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January 24, 2009
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Stupid Bank Robbers EPIC
Star Wars Episode 00: A Complete Mockery
By: Firefoxlefty
                        Last Tuesday, in a galaxy 39,230,985 light-years away…
                                              STAR WARS
                              (Nearly unreadable text scrolls up from bottom)
                                            A Complete Mockery
                                           The galaxy is torn, caught in a
                                      massive civil war. The dark forces of
                                         the Empire, led by the evil Darth
                                          Walter, clash against the Rebel
                                      uprising. The Rebellion faces defeat
                                       as the Empire reveals their mighty
                                     Death Sphere battle station. In a bold
                                      move, two young Rebel pilots sneak
                                    aboard the station, attempting to steal
                                                        vital plans…

“Look, all I’m saying is that the name of this thing is all wrong. I saw it from the outside, it’s not a sphere, it’s an ellipsoid!” said Bobber. “It’s just a matter of sociological effect,” said Bob. “Death Ellipsoid just doesn’t have the same ominous tone. We’ll talk it over later; right now we’ve got work to do.” “Hurry up, R-12,” said Bobber, “we need you over here now!” R-12 beeped and rolled up the hallway to the door. The small droid inserted a tool into the door’s access port. The door opened. “Why do they make those doors so any old droid can open them?” wondered Bob as they ran down the hall. “Ask questions later; right now we need to avoid being detected.” Just then an intercom clicked on, and the unmistakable voice of Darth Walter came through. “I’m afraid it is far too late for that, chaps. Your little escapade through my station has reached its conclusion. Prepare to be detained.” The door at the end of the hallway opened, and a dozen soldiers in brown plastic suits marched in. “Shoot! Sconetroopers! Take cover!” yelled Bob. The two rebels dived for cover into a convenient alcove in the hallway. They drew their blasters and began firing. “It’s no use, there’s too many of them!” said Bobber. “Hey, my blaster stopped working!” said Bob. “Please insert 25¢ to continue firing,” said the blaster. “Dang! I knew these discount blasters were a bad idea.” Just then, the Sconetroopers broke off combat and left. “That was convenient,” said Bob. The walkie-talkie on Bob’s belt crackled. “Rebel base to Bob, come in. We’ve launched an attack against the Death Sphere.” “It’s an ellipsoid!” interrupted Bobber. “Quiet!” said Bob, “Please continue, Rebel base.” “We should be able to distract the troops aboard the station. Complete your mission and get out of there. Base out.” Bob, Bobber, and R-12 dashed through the many hallways of the Death Sphere. Finally, they reached the main computer terminal. “R-12, can you hack into the computer and get the plans?” said Bob. “Um, Bob, we don’t need to,” said Bobber. “They left a datachip of it on the table.” Sure enough, lying on the table was a datachip labeled “Death Sphere Plans (Don’t let Rebels get this).” “Idiots.” “I heard that!” yelled Darth Walter over the intercom. “I won’t allow you to escape with those plans.” “Oh yeah,” said Bobber, “Then come get us.” “As much as I would enjoy that, unfortunately I am not present on the station presently. I am transmitting from my ship, the Ship With No Name. I assure you, however, that my troops are approaching your present location.”  “Let’s get out of here!” Bob, Bobber and R-12 quickly fled back to the hanger. With Sconetroopers hot on their tails, they boarded their ship and took off. “They’re launching fighters!” said Bob. “Don’t worry,” said Bobber, “the Bicentennial Eagle can outrun any ship they’ve got. Bobber to Rebel Base, we’re clear, pull off the attack.” The other Rebel ships pulled off and jumped into hyperspace. “Prepare for jump to light speed!” said Bobber. He pulled the switch. “Please insert 25¢ for jump to light speed,” said the ship’s computer. “Don’t you have a quarter?” said Bob. “I spent my last one on a gumball!” said Bobber. “We’ll have to make a run for it.” Bobber jammed the throttle forward and the Bicentennial Eagle shot off. Several Imperial fighters began to close in. “Look out! DIE Fighters!” said Bob. “I thought you said this thing could outrun anything they had!” “Hm, the ’78 models must be out,” said Bobber. BOOM! BOOM! Shots hit the Bicentennial Eagle. “Our shields are down!” said Bob. BOOM! “We’re hit!” said Bobber, “I’ll have to make a crash landing on Gabodah.” The ship spiraled out of control into the planet’s atmosphere. With a mighty crash, the ship came to rest in a swampy bog. Bob, Bobber, and R-12 hurriedly abandoned ship. They watched sadly as the Eagle sank partway into the swamp, came back up, sank again, came up, did a backflip, and sank into the swamp. “Well shoot,” said Bobber. The three unfortunate companions wandered aimlessly through the jungle. Soon they came upon a small hut nestled into the trees. As they approached, a small green creature walked out of the hut. “Who are you?” said Bob. “I’m Chip, suckuh!” said the green creature. “Wait, shouldn’t your name be some clever 4-letter name starting with Y?” said Bob. “And aren’t you supposed to talk with the predicate and subject switched?” said Bobber. “You don know me!” said Chip, “What ‘chu guys doin’ here anyway?” “Umm, we crash landed in this swamp running from Darth Walter’s fighters,” said Bob. “You guys dissin’ Darth Walter?” said Chip, “Tight, dog; let me hook ya’ll up with some trainin’.” “Well, sure, all right,” said Bob. “Follow me, yo.” Chip led them into his hut, and over to a rack marked “Lightsabers”. “Take these; you’ll thrash Darth Walter fo sho. I just got these two left.” Chip tossed the sabers to Bob and Bobber. “The color’s marked on the bottom if ya’ll is curious. Just hit the button to turn ‘em on.” “Avocado Green?!” read Bob, “what do you think this is, That 70’s Show?” “Clear?” read Bobber, “how on earth can a lightsaber be clear?” Bob activated his lightsaber. “Well, I guess it’ll do. What can it cut?” “Anything,” said Chip, “except another lightsaber’s blade.” “I can’t even tell if it’s on!” complained Bobber. He swung the saber. Chip’s table fell in half. “I guess it’s on,” said Bobber. “That’s just the half of my trainin’,” said Chip, “Now I’m gonna teach ya’ll about the Force.” “Whoa,” said Bob, “what’s that?” “Well,” said Chip, “it’s
******* IMPORTANT BULLETIN *******
Public knowledge of the Force or any of its secrets or teachings is expressly forbidden by Congressional Bill 234-B Section 3 Sub-section Q Paragraph 6. In accordance with this statute, this section of this story has been omitted to protect the nation’s security. We apologize for any inconvenience.
******* END BULLETIN *******
“Well anyway, thanks for teaching us about the Force,” said Bob. “No probs,” said Chip, “oh, and I pulled your ride outta the swamp for ya.” Sure enough, the Bicentennial Eagle was waiting for them outside Chip’s hut. “Wow, you even waxed it,” said Bobber. “Just do me a favor and whup up on Darth Walter for me,” said Chip. Bob, Bobber, and R-12 climbed back into the Eagle and blasted off. “Ok, let’s get these plans back to base,” said Bobber. (One fade out later, at the Rebel Base) “Ok, I’ve called you all here to discuss what we’ve found out from the Death Sphere plans Bob and Bobber got,” said the Rebel leader. “Ok, what have we found out?” said Bob. “Well, first off, it’s not a sphere, it’s an ellipsoid,” said the Rebel leader. “Told you,” said Bobber. “Secondly,” said the Rebel leader, “we’ve found a weak point, a small exhaust port located along the equator of the station. We need someone to fly in there, fire an energy missile into the port, and get out before the station explodes. The fleet leaves in 2 hours. Get to your ships!” Bob and Bobber went to talk to the ship engineer. “We need a ship,” said Bobber, “the Eagle’s too big to make a run at the exhaust port.” “I got one ship left,” said the engineer, “It’s the I-Wing.” “I-Wing?” said Bob, “How can you have an I-Wing? That’s just two tails; it doesn’t even have any wing surface!” “I don’t fully understand it myself,” said the engineer. “It got built by accident, and somehow it flies. Point is, it’ll get you to the Death Sphere and to that exhaust port.” “Well, I guess it’ll have to do,” said Bobber. Bob and Bobber climbed into the I-Wing. R-12 was lifted into the ship as well. Bobber fired up the I-Wing, and they blasted off. “This thing breaks so many laws of aerodynamics,” remarked Bob. “Aerodynamics?” said Bobber, “Dude, we’re in space, there’s no air.” “Then how come we can hear all the other ships?” said Bob. Bobber hit the brakes and thought about it. “Hm, I dunno.” “Wait, how did we just brake?” said Bob, “There’s no friction in space either!” “Look, can we just go already?” said Bobber, “I got a quarter from the Rebel leader, so we can use the hyperdrive.” Bobber hit the lightspeed switch. “Please insert 50¢ for jump to lightspeed,” said the ship. “Stupid inflation,” grumbled Bobber. “No problem, Chip gave me a quarter when we left there, we’ll use it,” said Bob. Bob and Bobber inserted their quarters, and the I-Wing blasted into lightspeed. “One other thing I don’t get,” said Bob, “The Death Sphere is halfway across the galaxy, even at lightspeed; it would take us at least a few years to get there.” The ship came out of lightspeed, and the Death Sphere came into view. “And yet we’re here,” said Bobber. Bobber maneuvered the I-Wing in towards the Death Sphere. He dove the ship into the equatorial trench. “Activating targeting computer,” said Bobber. The computer’s targeting scope dropped down. “We’re closing in on the port,” said Bob, “get ready to fire.” Suddenly the scope went back up. “Bobber,” said the engineer over the transmitter, “you’ve turned off your targeting computer; is something wrong?” “Please insert 25¢ for the next 5 minutes of targeting,” said the computer. “I hate technology!” yelled Bobber, “We’ll have to do this manually then.” “Um, there’s another problem,” said Bob, “We forgot to load any missiles!” “Aw, come on!” said Bobber. “Wait!” said Bob, “I’ve got an idea! Keep flying at the port!” He ran to another part of the ship. Bobber kept the ship on-line. Suddenly the exhaust port came into view. Next to it, a sign read,
                                                  Fatal Weakness Repair
                                                        Spring 3078
                                             Department of Transportation

Suddenly, Bobber watched as a projectile flew out of the I-Wing and into the port. Bob burst into the cockpit. “What did you…?” “No time!” said Bob, “Let’s get out of here!” Bobber punched the throttle, and the I-Wing flew away from the Death Sphere. With a mighty boom, the station exploded in a fiery blast. “Do the laws of physics mean ANYTHING anymore?!” said Bob.  The Rebel leader’s voice crackled through the transmitter. “Great work, guys. I’ve got bad news though. Darth Walter wasn’t on the station when it blew. You guys will have to go after him while the Empire’s fleet is weak.” “We’re on it,” said Bobber. The Rebel leader’s voice faded out. “How come with all this technology we can’t get better audio quality on these things?” said Bob. “By the way,” said Bobber, “How did you blow up the Death Sphere anyway?” “Oh, that,” said Bob, “I fired R-12 into the port. It’s not like he’s been much help anyway.” Bobber flew the I-Wing toward the Ship With No Name, which was waiting outside the battle area. Darth Walter’s voice came in on the transmitter. “Hello again chaps! So you were the insolent pups who destroyed my battle station. You interrupted my afternoon tea.” “It’s over, Walter,” said Bobber, “You’re finished!” “I think not, my foe. Land your ship in Docking Bay 23-T and we’ll settle this affair like gentlemen.” “By suing each other?” said Bob. “No! You fools; with lightsabers, man to man…to man; a duel to the death.” “You’re on!” said Bobber. He flew the I-Wing to bay 23-T and landed. Darth Walter was waiting. “Well, chaps, it’s come to this.” He drew his lightsaber and activated it. It was red. “No fair!” said Bob, “How come he gets the cool color?!” “I get to use the black market because I’m evil,” said Darth Walter. “Now, taste the power of the British side of the Force!” Darth Walter extended his hand. He lifted Bobber into the air and threw him into a pile of oil drums. “Bobber!” yelled Bob, “Oh, it’s on now!” He drew his lightsaber and pressed the button. “Insert 25¢ to use tha’ lightsaber, foo!” said Chip’s voice from the lightsaber. “Dang it! That green midget scammed us!” “What’s the matter, chap,” taunted Darth Walter, “Need one of these?” He pulled out a quarter and waved it around. Then Chip’s voice spoke from the lightsaber again. “Use tha’ Force, foo!” “Oh yeah!” said Bob. He extended his hand and concentrated. Suddenly, the quarter in Walter’s hand flew over to Bob. He inserted it into the lightsaber. The avocado green blade hummed to life. “Oh, so you’ve been to Chip and learned the Gangsta side of the Force,” said Darth Walter, “It will do you no service!” He lunged at Bob. Then Bob and Darth Walter got into a big lightsaber fight, which is really hard to describe in writing. I’ll just skip to…ah, here we go, they’re in that position where the lightsabers are blocking each other and it’s a battle of strength. You know what I mean. Anyway, “It’s appears our abilities are equally matched,” said Darth Walter, “But there is something I must tell you, Bob. I am your father.” Bob stepped back and deactivated his saber. “What?! Really?” “Pfttt! No!” snorted Darth Walter, “I can’t believe you fell for that!” He extended his arm and tossed Bob against a wall, knocking him out. “Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!” Suddenly, Bobber leaped out of the pile of oil drums. “You hurt Bob!” he yelled, “Now I’m gonna take you down!” “With what?” snorted Darth Walter, “That lightsaber isn’t even activated!” “Yes it is,” said Bobber. “Um, no, it’s not.” “Is too!” “Look, you could stab me with that thing right now and nothing would happen.” “You mean like THIS?!” Bobber lunged and stabbed at Darth Walter. His clear lightsaber (Which was, in fact, activated) went right through Darth Walter, who evaporated instantly. “Brits,” remarked Bobber, “They’re all full of hot air.” He dashed over to Bob. “Bob! Bob! Are you okay?” Bob weakly opened his eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, “Did you beat Darth Walter?” “Yep,” said Bobber. Bob suddenly sprang to his feet. “Hooray! The galaxy is sav…”
Please insert 25¢ for the conclusion of this story.

(Does anyone have a quarter?)
Wow, did I have fun writing this. Easily the longest Stupid Bank Robbers ever, this beast is four full pages single spaced in Word. Star Wars is one of the most popular movies ever, and so deserves a spoof. I highly recommend that you see at least Episodes 4, 5, and 6 to get all of the puns and jokes in the story. Enjoy.

EDIT: Fixed some formatting issues
Umm... the tab button would make it LONGER.
NinjaPenguin13 Jan 24, 2009
Actually, 4 pages wouldn't be that long if you would USE THE FREAKIN' TAB BUTTON.

*inserts quarter*

(actually has a quarter for once)
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